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  • Richard Farr

Covfefe-16 crisis solved?

For three long years now America has been ravaged by the highly infectious and potentially lethal disease Covfefe-16. You may recall that it emerged in the influence-peddling markets of Washington D.C. and Moscow after a novel T-virus - Runtus ridiculans, an unusual pathogen with tiny little grippers and an orange corona - was transmitted into the general population after too much contact with assholes. Its characteristic symptoms - fever, stupidity, amnesia, ignorance, projectile lying, and SOSSS (Sudden Onset Spineless Senator Syndrome), among others too numerous to list - has put the entire nation on life-support and indeed spread around the world, endangering millions.

But there is great news today! Political epidemiologists have discovered that America can easily cure itself of Covfefe-16 just by washing its hands of Donald Trump. A huge supply of soap will be needed, but apparently if all of it is applied at once in November 2020 the spread of the disease can be permanently stopped, at least in America. And shortly after that the Reality Distancing measures we have all had to endure will no longer be necessary: people will even be allowed once again to hold parties in their homes and invite large numbers of facts.

One caveat: experts warn that the strategy against Covfefe-16, however simple to implement in theory, could fail if current infection with the annoying but far less dangerous Joe-20 smugnavirus causes vacant grinning and back-slapping followed by mass lethargy, painful memories of Hillary Clinton, and a tragic sense of deja vu.

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